Hel Bent For Leather

Write-up by Gerry McDonnell

No man is an island, with the possible exception of Frank Lampard.

We all crave companionship, but I crossed the line in my pursuit of Helen Chamberlain. I sneaked in to the Soccer AM studios and took a few unauthorised images to publish on my internet site. I’ve now been charged with intent to distribute obscene substance.

I undoubtedly wouldn’t have been so obsessed with the dilapidated presenter if the spouse had dished out a small more pie. In her defence, she has picked up a nasty rash in an region that can make these behaviour problematic — it’s the most irritating twat since Michel Platini.

Thankfully, the Sporting Opportunity clinic cured me of my need to go after antique television personalities. I was initially wary about following the twelve-stage recovery program, as it meant embracing religious doctrine. I’m all for loving your fellow guy – as prolonged as it doesn’t stray into Joey Barton territory.

The ninth-stage was undoubtedly the most embarrassing: I had to make amends for prior misdemeanours. I emailed Helen to apologise for leaving a steaming turd in her dressing space – though he did go on to existing his very own cookery programme.

In the course of my remain at the Sporting Opportunity clinic, I met up with a range of other tortured souls. Footballers typically flip to alcohol or medication to break the monotony, but the losers I met had been not between those fortunate few.

John Terry seeked skilled help to occur to terms with that dramatic day previous summer time, when he cried like a slapped baby. He’ll probably never ever recover from that announcement of enhanced immigration.

Rio Ferdinand also popped in for a short remain, to receive remedy for his increasingly rabid temper tantrums. The staff experimented with to give him a minor a thing to aid mellow him out — but his system has built up a tolerance.

Rio’s apoplectic, discombobulated rage at Stamford Bridge previous week led to a range of Chelsea followers raining missiles on the United crew coach. Rio remained unusually awesome underneath fire although — it’s not the 1st time he’s been stoned.

I also met Mike Ashley for the duration of my keep, as he attempted to recover from shedding £300m by way of bad investments. The very poor sod has had a degree £10 on Tottenham every single week.

Mad Mike should have left Spurs out of likely wagers until Pavlyuchenko settles down. The Russian is nonetheless unnerved following being warned about ‘dark-skinned’ people who live in the area — John Terry need to by no means have received involved.

If Pavlyuchenko proves a flop, Spurs really should make a move for Michael Owen. The wee hitman can be purchased for £4m in January – that’s just 1 fifth of a Keane or an eighth of a Berbatov. I feel it’s slightly more than an eighth actually, I’ll electronic mail Rio Ferdinand for confirmation.

Frank Lampard is the latest huge title to seek support in his ongoing battle versus obesity. I’d advise Frank to throw up soon after each large meal – I’ve received a handful of pictures of Helen Chamberlain that could help him out. I’ll have my head among two knees when my 1 point investment on Wigan to defeat Manchester Metropolis at 12/5 proves fruitful.

About the Author

Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.