Write-up by Gerry McDonnell
No man is an island, with the possible exception of Frank Lampard.
We all crave companionship, but I crossed the line in my pursuit of Helen Chamberlain. I sneaked in to the Soccer AM studios and took a few unauthorised images to publish on my internet site. Iâ€™ve now been charged with intent to distribute obscene substance.
I undoubtedly wouldnâ€™t have been so obsessed with the dilapidated presenter if the spouse had dished out a small more pie. In her defence, she has picked up a nasty rash in an region that can make these behaviour problematic â€” itâ€™s the most irritating twat since Michel Platini.
Thankfully, the Sporting Opportunity clinic cured me of my need to go after antique television personalities. I was initially wary about following the twelve-stage recovery program, as it meant embracing religious doctrine. Iâ€™m all for loving your fellow guy – as prolonged as it doesnâ€™t stray into Joey Barton territory.
The ninth-stage was undoubtedly the most embarrassing: I had to make amends for prior misdemeanours. I emailed Helen to apologise for leaving a steaming turd in her dressing space – though he did go on to existing his very own cookery programme.
In the course of my remain at the Sporting Opportunity clinic, I met up with a range of other tortured souls. Footballers typically flip to alcohol or medication to break the monotony, but the losers I met had been not between those fortunate few.
John Terry seeked skilled help to occur to terms with that dramatic day previous summer time, when he cried like a slapped baby. Heâ€™ll probably never ever recover from that announcement of enhanced immigration.
Rio Ferdinand also popped in for a short remain, to receive remedy for his increasingly rabid temper tantrums. The staff experimented with to give him a minor a thing to aid mellow him out â€” but his system has built up a tolerance.
Rioâ€™s apoplectic, discombobulated rage at Stamford Bridge previous week led to a range of Chelsea followers raining missiles on the United crew coach. Rio remained unusually awesome underneath fire although â€” itâ€™s not the 1st time heâ€™s been stoned.
I also met Mike Ashley for the duration of my keep, as he attempted to recover from shedding Â£300m by way of bad investments. The very poor sod has had a degree Â£10 on Tottenham every single week.
Mad Mike should have left Spurs out of likely wagers until Pavlyuchenko settles down. The Russian is nonetheless unnerved following being warned about â€˜dark-skinnedâ€™ people who live in the area â€” John Terry need to by no means have received involved.
If Pavlyuchenko proves a flop, Spurs really should make a move for Michael Owen. The wee hitman can be purchased for Â£4m in January – thatâ€™s just 1 fifth of a Keane or an eighth of a Berbatov. I feel itâ€™s slightly more than an eighth actually, Iâ€™ll electronic mail Rio Ferdinand for confirmation.
Frank Lampard is the latest huge title to seek support in his ongoing battle versus obesity. Iâ€™d advise Frank to throw up soon after each large meal – Iâ€™ve received a handful of pictures of Helen Chamberlain that could help him out. Iâ€™ll have my head among two knees when my 1 point investment on Wigan to defeat Manchester Metropolis at 12/5 proves fruitful.
About the Author
Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.